A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
You Might Also Like
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?