Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Am I having a stroke?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*