I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
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At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Happens to everyone.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.