I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
You Might Also Like
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?