If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
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Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Is fake venison called venisn’t
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af