Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Note to self: I am a note
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do