Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!