[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
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As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.