Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”