which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”