A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.