I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Wait a second…
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
No. YOU-buprofen.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory