Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Dune (2021)
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*