the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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True embarrassment lies within your first email address
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.