He-man has a Masters degree
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.