Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing