Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
*gets down on one knee*
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I found your tweet-up…
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.