Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.