My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
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Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Love is in the air fryer.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.