[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
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Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Proctology is located in A55
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Cats are still liquid.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.