Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
welp
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
the council will decide your fate
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.