[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
me and my fake scenarios
apparently this year was written by stephen king
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.