Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
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[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
LA today:
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family