Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.