A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!