Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
You Might Also Like
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*