This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”