“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
decorating my apartment
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”