When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
the icebreaker
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.