FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.