The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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Quadruple digit IQ
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.