You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
figuring out my emotional availability:
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Best spot.. 😅
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why