“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
🙄😏😂🤣