PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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[shakes fist at other fist]
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
こいつ天才
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?