My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
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Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.