[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
My last name is Zilla.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”