My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
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There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats