Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
This headline is a thing of beauty
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again