I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
im all 3
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I just stopped by to water my horse.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.