me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill