My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?