Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it