ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato