[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.