Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today