One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun