Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
haha same
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”