*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.