COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
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Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
scared to check what name she chose
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My beach vacation Google searches