[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sunday
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Otters see a butterfly.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory